October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It is dedicated to those who grieve the babies who did not come to be and the little ones who could not continue to live.
Pregnancy and infant loss are much more common than we think. In Singapore alone, miscarriages can occur in up to 25% of pregnancies while 1 in 5 pregnancies end in early miscarriage. There is also an average of 2-3 stillbirths out of every 1000 pregnancies and our 2022 infant mortality rate is at 1.8. Such losses are nothing but painful and horrific for the mother especially. Let's hear from Thea and Melissa, both now mothers to 2 children respectively, who share their experience with us.
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Can you share your experience of going through a miscarriage, and how it affected you emotionally and physically?
Thea:
I’ve had 3 miscarriages so far. Out of the 3, I would say the first one was the hardest, both emotionally and physically. It was my first pregnancy and I had no idea what to expect in a pregnancy, much less in a pregnancy loss. I was in shock, at a loss for words when it happened. My inner world was almost blank from the shock. I just could not process what had happened to me. Physically, it was also the hardest miscarriage as had started bleeding while I was out in the evening. By the time I got to KKH A&E, I was bleeding very badly. I remember just soaking through a full pad in the toilet at the A&E. I had to beg with the nurses to please let me see the doctor as I was just bleeding out so much. I felt such a loss of control over my body, the situation, and the outcome.
Melissa:
The one word that comes to me is “painful”, both physically and emotionally. My first loss was a missed miscarriage in 2021, and I opted to wait to pass out the fetus naturally. I recalled having cramps that came in waves, somewhat similar to contractions, when I passed out the fetus at home. Emotionally, it was also heart-wrenching, having our joy of expecting new life being turned to sorrow immediately when our doctor gave us the bad news at a review. It took me a longer time to recover from the emotional pain of going through a pregnancy loss.
Were there any support networks that helped you during this difficult time?
Thea:
My close friends and my husband helped me the most during this season. I grew to realise the value of opening up to others and talking about my feelings. I found a lot of healing in just talking and crying with different people, and receiving their love, care and empathy. It felt like a balm over my wounds.
Melissa:
Mainly family, and close friends who had experienced a loss before too.
How has your journey with miscarriages influenced your perspective on motherhood and family planning?
Thea:
Every child is precious to their parents. But I think, for those who have suffered pregnancy loss or who have had difficulties conceiving, this preciousness is amplified manifold. My children are so precious in my eyes because I look at them and think, “they almost never came to be”. At the same time, pregnancy loss has taught me that nothing is truly ever in my control. It has taught me to hold things loosely, including my children’s upbringing.
Melissa:
I experienced three pregnancy losses after my first child before we finally conceived our second child. From our journey of trying to conceive and going through these pregnancy losses, we have learnt to really embrace the gift of life. We feel immensely blessed that we can hold our two kids now, and we continue to remember the three little ones in our hearts.
Can you share any resources that you found helpful in dealing with the grief and healing process after a miscarriage?
Thea:
I was gifted a sweet book called “Jesse” by Chris Pringle. It gave voice to the silent grief I carried around about my miscarriage. It made me feel less alone.
Melissa:
I bought a few books to help me process my grief. These are a few of them - “Grace like Scarlett” by Adriel Brooker, “Grieving the Child I Never Knew” by Kathe Wunnenberg, “Joy in the Sorrow” by Matt Chandler. I also sought help and attended a few therapy sessions with a psychologist to help me in my healing process and pick myself up emotionally to continue in our journey in trying to conceive.
In what ways can friends, family members and society better support women who have experienced miscarriages?
Thea:
If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, try not to approach them with the kind of shock and horror you might feel towards a person who has suffered a tragedy you have not yet known. It is already shocking and horrifying for them. Hold space for their shock and their horror. Give them space to be sad, to talk about any feelings they might have. Lend your empathy and understanding. Be a gentle presence. And offer practical help if you can - cook a meal, send some soup, offer to help with an older child, groceries or chores so that your friend can take the time to truly rest and recuperate. Recovering from a miscarriage is not different to recovering from a birth.
Melissa:
Miscarriages occur more frequently than what most people would expect but it’s often deemed as a taboo and not talked about openly. Therefore many women experiencing losses including myself often feel that we have to go through it alone due to a lack of awareness. I even felt a lack of support and empathy from the clinic staff and Ob/Gyn in charge of my care. Of course everyone grieves in their own way, but it would be great if others would acknowledge that this is a real loss, a loss of a little one whom we had already started imagining a future with. We need time and space to process the loss, and not be expected to move on just because the miscarriage and our medical leave is over.
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If you've learnt something from this article, would you not share with others so they may also be aware of how they can support the women around them who may be going through a similar pain and grief?